MILA KUNIS: I’m going to dance the Black Swan.
NATALIE PORTMAN: No, that’s my role. I’m going to dance the Black Swan.
(Door bursts open.)
PAULA ABDUL: No, you’re both wrong. I’M GOING TO DANCE THE BLACK SWAN!!!!!!!!
(PAULA applauds for herself and winks at two non-existent TV cameras. She spits out a tooth.)
MILA & NATALIE: Oh, Paula, not again!
(PAULA hits her baby toes with a hammer and spits out a rare diamond.)
PAULA: Look at my feet, look at my feet, hippity hop hop I’M A DANCER SHAMBADANGLE CHA-CHA BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(PAULA does 8% of the splits and sticks a Q-Tip into her tear duct.)
NATALIE: Paula, please stay out of this. You haven’t been able to dance for years.
PAULA: But we can be friends – we’re all dancers here! We’re just three dancers with moss for hair!!
MILA: You don’t see any differences between us, two lithe ballerinas, and yourself?
PAULA: Nope, no differences! We’re all just a few beautiful ballerina baby boom-booms with more than thirteen bones in our bodies and addictions to pills that are the color of a boy’s lips!!
NATALIE: OK, well…can you do this?
(NATALIE does ten perfect pirouettes while resisting the temptation of a Wolfgang Puck microwaveable pizza.)
PAULA: UH UM DUH!
(PAULA takes a book of Sudoku out of her pocket, writes “2” in every box, and eats every page.)
PAULA: Would someone addicted to pills the color of a boy’s lips and also addicted to other pills the color of a warm April’s polio brace be able to do a ballet move like that?
MILA: Yes.
NATALIE: Yes, I actually think they’d be more likely than most people to be able to do a move like that.
PAULA: How about this?
(PAULA screams “BLACK SWAN” over and over again while completing the maze of a Denny’s kids menu.)
MILA (whispering to NATALIE): I don’t even want to make out with her, and I am totally into psychosexual-lesbian-experimenting these days. Like college, with less deans.
NATALIE (whispering to MILA): The best part of college is the deans.
PAULA: I’m addicted to pills the color of Xanax!!!!!
(PAULA signs the word “rabies,” pulls someone else’s braid out of her hair, and collapses.)
NATALIE: The fun thing is that none of us menstruate.
aaaahahaahhahahahahahaha
The last line is a fucking keeper oh my GOD
oh my god. what does this even mean?
